I want to write. Not primarily so people will read it (though that would be totally awesome) but, mostly, because it feels good to write. I’ve let my writing slip to the wayside and that really sucks. I feel silenced. I feel like I don’t know how to find my voice back. And it’s my fault. Hmm. Well, I got an email that said Five Minute Friday moved. I LOVE FMF! So, naturally, I went to the new site and signed up. I joined the Facebook page and was eager to get going again! Because, really, there can’t be any “I don’t have time” excuse when it’s just a five-minute writing assignment! I saw the first word since my joining the new page: future. I delayed writing. The Monday after that word came out, my second oldest (4.5-year-old) got really sick. I was too exhausted to think, let alone write. She was puking, not drinking, not eating. Fever kept spiking – it’s highest was 41 Celsius (about 106 Fahrenheit). It was frightening and we ended up at the Children’s Hospital. Got her sorted out, got her on some meds and she started improving – Praise God! The next Friday came. We were supposed to have a field trip with a homeschool group and considered not going since she was only just on the mend. She really wanted to go so we went. It was an exhausting day for her! But she was improving. The word that morning was expect. I told myself, “I’ll get to it on the weekend.” But my bad habit of not writing took control and I didn’t get to it right away. Then Saturday evening came and my 6-month-old baby had a febrile seizure. It came out of nowhere. He whole body was shaking hugely and her skin turned purple almost immediately. She was breathing funny, she was crying funny. We called 911. The seizure lasted at least 10 minutes (my husband thinks closer to 15). We were back in emergency at Children’s! I have never been so terrified in my life! Thankfully the doctor’s were able to determine why she had a fever (UTI) and gave us meds for her. It was still intense and stressful – she didn’t want her meds, often puked afterwards, still not drinking 100%, still fevering. But slowly she’s been improving. Today starts the 3rd day of no fever. And tomorrow brings a new FMF word. Today I want to write.
All this week, those two words have been running through my head: future, expect. I’m not limiting myself to 5 minutes this time. J The two words, I find, a very related. What do we expect for our future? For our children’s future? I will admit, I think more of our children’s future than my own. Especially considering the current government of my country. But when they are sick, my thoughts about their future and my expectations change. I’ve always expected that they will live long lives, that they will live God glorifying lives, that they will be happy and successful. But none of these is guaranteed! Not even that they will love God (though we pray they will and we guide them in the faith)! What is the only guarantee of the future? That God is faithful! The thing is, we don’t always know what that looks like. So do my expectations for my children change? I expect them to live long lives but the fact is, God could have taken two of my children to Himself this past week. So I have changed my expectations for today and tomorrow and all the tomorrows to come. I expect (and trust) that God will care for us, that He will guide us and will keep us close to Him – however that looks.